The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
