Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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