I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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