woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize