I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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