Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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