So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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