I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
