Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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