I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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