I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
