my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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