Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
