I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
