My liver just broke up with me...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
