theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
