Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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