just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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