Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
