Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
