I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
