I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
