I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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