Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
