The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
