Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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