If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
