the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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