someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
