my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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