I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
