This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
