You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize