Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
