It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
