I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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