Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
