At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
