They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
