Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
