when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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