there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
