if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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