Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize