I wish I could teleport
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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