oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
