just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
