he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
