You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
