she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
