I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
