this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
