just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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