So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
