do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
