I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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