Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
