You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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