If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
4 words: hood of his car
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
