You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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