Where did you get a picture of my penis
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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